Definition and History
Etiquette is a code that governs the expectations of social behavior, according to the conventional norm within a society, social class, or group. Usually unwritten, it may be codified in written form. Etiquette usually reflects formulas of conduct in which society or tradition have invested. An etiquette may reflect an underlying ethical code, or may grow more as a fashion, as in eighteenth century Britain where apparently pointless acts like the manner in which a tea cup was held became important as indicators of upper class status. Like "culture," it is a word that has gradually grown plural, especially in a multi-ethnic society with many clashing expectations. Thus, it is now possible to refer to "an etiquette" or "a culture," realizing that these may not be universal. In Britain, though, the word etiquette has its roots in the eighteenth century, becoming a universal force in the nineteenth century to the extent that it has been described as the one word that aptly describes life during the reign of Queen Victoria.
Norms and effects of etiquette Etiquette fundamentally prescribes and restricts the ways in which people interact with each other, and show their respect for other people by conforming to the norms of society. Modern etiquette instructs people to greet friends and acquaintances with warmth and respect, refrain from insults and prying curiosity, offer hospitality equally and generously to guests, wear clothing suited to the occasion, contribute to conversations without dominating them, offer assistance to those in need, eat neatly and quietly, avoid disturbing others with unnecessary noise, follow the established rules of an organization upon becoming a member, arrive promptly when expected, comfort the bereaved, and respond to invitations promptly. Violations of etiquette, if severe, can cause public disgrace, and in private hurt individual feelings, create misunderstandings or real grief and pain, and even escalate into murderous rage. Many family feuds have their beginnings in trivial etiquette violations that were blown out of proportion. In the West, the notion of etiquette, being of French origin and arising from practices at the court of Louis XIV, is occasionally disparaged as old-fashioned or elite, a code concerned only with "which fork to use." Some people consider etiquette to be an unnecessary restriction of freedom of personal expression; others consider such free spirits to be unmannerly and rude. For instance, wearing pajamas to a wedding in a cathedral may be an expression of the guest's freedom, but may also cause the bride and groom to suspect that the guest in pajamas is expressing amusement or disparagement towards them and their wedding. Etiquette may be enforced in pragmatic ways: "No shoes, no shirt, no service" is a notice commonly displayed outside stores and cafés in the warmer parts of North America. Others feel that a single, basic code shared by all makes life simpler and more pleasant by removing many chances for misunderstandings. Etiquette may be wielded as a social weapon. The outward adoption of the superficial mannerisms of an in-group, in the interests of social advancement rather than a concern for others, is a form of snobbism, lacking in virtue.
Faux Pas A faux pas is a violation of accepted, although unwritten, social rules. Faux pas vary widely from culture to culture and what is considered good manners in one culture can be considered a faux pas in another. For example, in English-speaking Western countries, it is sometimes considered a thoughtful gesture to bring a bottle of wine when going to someone's house for dinner. In France, however, this is considered insulting as it suggests the hosts are unable to provide their own good wine. However, bringing flowers to the hostess is rarely a faux pas, although sometimes one needs to be careful what kind of flowers to bring. The term comes from French and literally means "false step." However, it is a formal rather than everyday expression in French and does not generally have the figurative meaning used in English. It is occasionally employed to describe a physical loss of balance or general mistakes (for instance: mes faux pas dans la vie, the mistakes I made in my life). If one uses faux pas with the English meaning in France, people might think it was a slight grammatical mistake with faut pas, the colloquial pronunciation of il ne faut pas, meaning “must not” in English. For faux pas with the English meaning, the French would usually say gaffe or erreur. In countries with a language that contains a T-V distinction, it is a faux pas to use the informal second person pronoun instead of the formal second person pronoun when addressing an elder or stranger.
Cultural and Individual Differences Etiquette is dependent on culture; what is excellent etiquette in one society may shock in another. Etiquette evolves within culture. Etiquette can vary widely between different cultures and nations. In China, a person who takes the last item of food from a common plate or bowl without first offering it to others at the table may be seen as a glutton and insulting the generosity of the host. Similarly, amongst older Australian women, a woman who takes the last item of food is called the old spinster, while in most European cultures a guest is expected to eat all of the food given to them, as a compliment to the quality of the cooking. As expectations regarding good manners differ from person to person and vary according to each situation, no treatise on the rules of etiquette nor any list of potential faux pas can ever be complete. To avoid giving offense, it is best to use a conservative and observant approach in any social situation where one is unfamiliar with cultural expectations. Faux pas in the following areas are common around the world. The specifics vary from place to place, but these are all areas of human activity in which faux pas can be committed whether traveling across the globe or visiting with a next door neighbor. As the perception of behaviors and actions vary, intercultural competence is essential.
Consideration Etiquette begins with some sensitivity to the perceptions and feelings of others and the intention not to offend. This includes consideration in the following areas: 1. Creating unwanted distractions by talking loudly in a quiet restaurant, using a mobile phone in a theater, or idly drumming one’s fingers on a pew during church services. 2. Failing to consider when another’s preferences or habits differ from one’s own in such ways as subjecting an entire train load of people to one’s own music, heavily spicing a meal to be shared by many with one’s own favorite seasoning (such as fish sauce or garlic), or making a phonecall too late at night or early in the morning for the recipient’s schedule. 3. Willfully introducing a potentially noxious element such as a crying baby, a lit cigarette or an ill-behaved dog into an environment where it is neither expected nor desired. 4. Ignoring social obligations such as meeting a friend at a pre-appointed time, acknowledging the birthday of a close relative with a greeting card or some congratulatory token, or text messaging to the detriment of a face-to-face conversation. While the concept of consideration is universal, expectations in this regard vary along cultural lines. For example, many Finns are relatively soft-spoken and reserved. Therefore, a conversation that would seem rudely boisterous in Helsinki might not be seen as such where people typically express themselves with more gusto, such as a Puerto Rican community.
Dress In some countries, shoes are removed when entering a home. Depending on the culture, they may be removed outside the door or inside the foyer. Elsewhere, removing one's shoes might be a faux pas. Men's hats commonly need to be removed in various circumstances such attending a church service or funeral, when eating dinner, etc. In some places, wearing a hat indoors in any situation is considered impolite. Conversely, there are places where men are expected to wear some sort of head covering, especially in relation to Jewish and Muslim holy places. Many circumstances limit the amount of skin considered appropriate in a given situation. For both men and women, the choice to wear revealing clothes (i.e., short pants, small t-shirts, short skirts, etc.) risks a breach of etiquette when one is unfamiliar with the circumstances. For example, short pants that are quite acceptable in a laid-back seaside resort might raise eyebrows in a stuffy restaurant or conservative household a few miles inland.
Enthusiasm The amount of enthusiasm or restraint one displays in such situations as greeting people, saying thank you, and giving compliments can constitute a faux pas in certain situations. Some people say goodbye with hugs and kisses, others say it with a grunt and a nod of the head. Both the kissers and the grunters might be committing a faux pas depending upon the setting and the expectations of others. Some generalizations about this matter on a country-by-country basis might be helpful, but is a matter in which individual personalities matter a great deal. Accordingly, one should be observant on a per-situation basis to avoid committing a faux pas. Behaving enthusiastically towards strangers is considered shallow and insincere by many northern Europeans.
Gift giving Giving and receiving gifts can be a complex matter. In some places (such as Japan and Colombia) it is a faux pas to open a gift in front of the giver. Elsewhere it is a faux pas not to do so. Ask the locals. In most places, it is inappropriate to indicate the value of your gifts by failing to remove the price tag. Certain presents are taboo in some situations. For example, certain gifts conflict with the belief system of many Chinese people regarding good luck and bad luck. Other gifts are taboo for different reasons, such as a man in North America giving red roses to a woman married to another man, as such a gift connotes romantic intentions. Giving cutlery to an Argentine will be symbolically interpreted that the giver has decided to end the relationship.
Humor Humor is a delicate art. Attempts at humor in unfamiliar situations are always risky. Deprecating humor always involves a risk of offense. For example, a Canadian with four Filipino friends might get a bad reaction when making a joke based on Filipino stereotypes, even after hearing these four friends engage in this humor over a long period of time. Deprecating humor can offend even when the listener is not the subject of the humor. For example, a joke at the expense of gay people might offend some straight people as well. Imitation is often not flattering. Scots are unlikely to enjoy a Californian’s impersonation of Billy Connolly, nor are Californians likely to enjoy a Scot’s impersonation of Moon Unit Zappa. Risqué means risky, and it is. What is acceptably risqué not only varies from place to place, it varies from person to person. Overstepping the bounds of sexual or scatological humor is among the most serious faux pas one can commit. Lastly, be mindful that people who appear amused might actually be offended but prefer not to show offense either out of nervousness or as a point of etiquette.
Inquisition Asking questions can be a way to express curiosity, concern and enthusiasm. However, questions about a person's age, employment status, marital/romantic situation, place of residence and other personal matters can be a faux pas. Although this sort of information-sharing is somewhat dependent on cultural background, individual personality plays a great role as well.
Language Most faux pas involving language belong more to a language textbook than this list; nevertheless, a few are sufficiently likely to be committed by people who haven't mastered a language that they merit mention. Some languages mark familiarity and/or respect using T-V distinction. This often applies to common phrases such as "how are you" that are sometimes learned in isolation (such as from phrase books). Which part of name and/or title to use to address people can be problematic. Some languages distinguish male and female forms of surnames. Many cultures put surnames first. Most languages use forms of address which don’t directly correspond with the titles such as Mr., Miss, Mrs., and Ms. that are familiar to speakers of English. Be especially careful when addressing people who have higher social status (such as one’s employer) and people who are older. This applies not only in regard to forms of address but to what slang words and topics might be inappropriate.
Lumping & Splitting There are many issues involved with failing to discern people with one ethnic, national, religious, linguistic or cultural identity with others who don't share their identity. New Zealanders rarely appreciate being called Australian, most Guatemalans won't like being called Mexicans, and so on. Some of these of issues can be as obvious as failing to differentiate between Korean people and Japanese people. Although “lumping” is the biggest danger, sometimes “splitting” can result in a faux pas instead. An example might be trying to discern whether someone is Irish Catholic or Anglo-Irish. When in doubt, avoid characterizing people according to a cultural identity. Make inquiries regarding identity carefully (if at all) and with consideration about how close a relationship you have with the person being questioned.
Taking Offense Warnings against committing faux pas work both ways. Failing to recognize that one has committed a faux pas might lead the observer to believe that one is willfully rude, annoying, inconsiderate, etc. Acting upon this misbelief is essentially a second faux pas committed in reaction to the first.
Specific Situations Business etiquette Business etiquette is the behavior to be followed in the business world and corporate culture. It is made up of significantly more important things than knowing which fork to use at lunch with a client. It is about dressings, table manners, courtesy, soft-skills, inter-personal skills, trans-national and trans-cultural understanding, etc. It is important, as today's business is global and all about connecting, which has crossed all cultural and continental boundaries. People are a key factor in one's own business success. Many potentially worthwhile and profitable alliances have been lost because of an unintentional breach of manners.
Office etiquette As is the case with etiquette in general, office etiquette is the set of written and unwritten rules of conduct that make social interactions run more smoothly. Office etiquette is different from business etiquette in that office etiquette usually applies to interacting with coworkers whereas business etiquette is for interacting with external contacts such as customers and suppliers. The conventions of office etiquette address unique, office environmental issues such as cubicle life, usage of common areas, meetings and meeting protocol, and social interaction within the context of a work setting. The rules of office etiquette may vary by region, office size, business specialty, company policy, and, to a certain degree, various laws governing the workplace. Larger organizations tend to have stricter, expressly written rules on etiquette. Each company will have its own subset of rules usually based loosely on the company’s management and legal compliance models. Office etiquette also varies based on the customs and culture of the region. An example is using the middle finger to point, which would be considered giving others "the finger" in the United States. Often people of different cultures will attempt to adapt to the customs and manners of the region they are in. The following is a list of some of the conventions associated with office etiquette: 1. Dress in the manner accepted for your area of work. 49% of employers surveyed in 2005 by the National Association of Colleges and Employers found that non-traditional attire would be a "strong influence" on their opinion of a potential job candidate. 2. Attempt to be quiet in areas where people are on the phone or need concentration. This applies to activities such as using cellphones, listening to music, eating, and conversations with other coworkers. 3. Install “Printer Etiquette.” This phrase has been used widely in South Australia, and refers to giving preferential treatment to workers printing only one page at a time, ahead of those priting out large documents, such as Asset Lists. 4. Respect others' time. Be on time to meetings. When in meetings, if a subject comes up that is taking time and is only useful to a small subset of users then request to take that conversation offline. 5. Attempt to limit introducing strong smells into the work area. Strong perfume, excessive body odor, and very fragrant flowers can offend others. Culinary odors such as fast food, sesame oil, and microwave popcorn can also be very unpleasant. 6. Be considerate when using communal areas such as kitchens/breakrooms and restrooms. Don't leave food on the counter or in the sink for extended periods of time. Be sure to clear away dirty dishes, food wrappers and spills as quickly as possible. Be sure to always make sure toilets are flushed before leaving the area. Don't leave used paper towels, facial tissues, seat covers or toilet paper laying around for other people to deal with. Women should ensure that used sanitary supplies are always wrapped and out of sight.
Netiquette Netiquette (a neologism and a portmanteau which some claim is formed from "network etiquette," though the more common usage is "Internet etiquette") is a catch-all term for the conventions of politeness and respect recognized on the Internet. These conventions address the relationship between personal behavior and group phenomena, and outline a dynamic set of guidelines for conduct that is conducive to pleasant, efficient and agreeable interaction. A business e-mail account should not be used for personal correspondence. Since e-mails from a business account are considered official company communications, they may be monitored. If the original message was sent to multiple recipients, one should only reply to users for whom your message is pertinent. One should ask first before sending large attachments, unless the recipient requests attachments (for example, human resources personnel typically want a resume attached when the sender is applying for a position). For mailing list administrators, including instructions for unsubscribing at the bottom of messages is considered good form One should not use all UPPERCASE letters in an email. Uppercase letters imply shouting and may be considered rude. Subject lines are critical to proper email etiquette. A subject line should include a pertinent few words summarizing the subject of the email. When one replies to emails, they should always make certain the subject line of the email is still relevant to the reply. When one has not received a reply to a business email, it is customary to send an inquiry message within two to five business days if a reply is expected. This provides the recipient with a polite reminder and a backup in case the original message was overlooked, intercepted, or inadvertently deleted. Conversely, if a recipient cannot answer an email immediately, it is polite to reply with a short email confirming the email was received, following with a more complete reply when possible. Email content should be universally accessible. Not all computers are up to date and thus, in general email should not contain non-standard extensions. The BCC: "Blind Carbon Copy" field should be used when sending to many people; when the recipients do not necessarily know each other; or in general when any replies should only come back to the sender. This prevents each recipient from having access to the email addresses of the other recipients, limiting the potential for harvesting and avoiding an invasion of privacy.
Table Manners Table manners are the etiquette used when eating. This includes the appropriate use of utensils. Different cultures have different standards for table manners. Many table manners evolved out of practicality. For example, it is generally impolite to put elbows on tables since doing so creates a risk of tipping over bowls and cups. Within different families or groups, there may be less rigorous enforcement of some traditional table manners of their culture while still maintaining others. For example, some families ignore elbows on the table or mixing of foods.
Fork Etiquette In Western etiquette, there are two primary styles for using a knife and fork while eating. The style used mostly in the United States of America, which sometimes called the zigzag method, differs from the style mostly used in the rest of the western world including Europe and British Commonwealth countries. In America, the knife is held in the right hand and the fork in the left. Holding food to the plate with the fork, a single bite-sized piece is cut with the knife. The knife is then placed on the table towards the top and right of the plate and the fork transferred to the right hand, with the left hand falling to the lap of the diner. The cut piece is then eaten using the fork, wielded in a “spoon-like” manner rather than to impale the food. The process is then repeated as necessary. A left-handed diner can retain the fork in the stronger hand, although the knife is still released. To avoid the constant switching of the fork, it is common to see some people cut up multiple pieces of food at once before switching hands and eating, though this is not universally accepted. While cutting, the fork is usually held upside down with the handle along the palm and the index finger pressing down at the neck of the handle. Because most forks have a curve this will point the tines downward into the food. Depending on how soft the food is, some Americans choose to disregard the knife entirely, using a fork in their right hand and cutting their food by pressing down with the edge of their fork. Sawing at the food in this way is considered bad form. The European manner is to hold the knife and fork, in the right and left hands respectively, throughout consumption. The hand grasp is also different. In Europe, it is considered better manners not to hold a knife or fork as one would hold a pen, but to have the handle running along the palm and extending out to be held by thumb and forefinger. This style is sometimes called “hidden handle.” This method is also common in Canada and other former parts of the British Empire. In contrast to the American method of using a fork much like a spoon (tines up), the British primarily use the fork with tines facing away from the user (tines down). Tables are often set with two or more forks, meant to be used for different courses; for example, a salad fork and meat fork. Some institutions wishing to give an impression of high formality set places with many different forks for meals of several courses, although many etiquette authorities regard this as vulgar and prefer that the appropriate cutlery be brought in with each course. It should not be necessary for the diner to distinguish between types of forks; forks are used in order from outside to inside, with the exception of oyster forks, which are placed on the right-hand side in the bowl of a spoon. Vocabulary codify (v): to reduce to a code; to classify clash (v): to come into conflict, to be incompatible aptly (adv): unusually fitted or qualified, readily, fittingly; suited to a purpose, being to the point fundamentally (adv): serving as an original or generating source, primarily; serving as a basis,basically prescribe (v): to lay down a rule, dictate; to lay down as a guide, direction, or rule of action, to ordain conform (v): to be obedient or compliant, to act in accordance with prevailing standards or customs norm (n): an authoritative standard, model; a principle of right action binding upon members of a group refrain (v): to keep oneself from doing, feeling, or indulging in something pry (v): to look closely or inquisitively, to make a nosy or presumptuous inquiry bereave (n): one who is suffering the death of a loved one escalate (v): to increase in extent, volume, number, amount, intensity, or scope, to expand feud (n): mutual enmity or quarrel that is often prolonged or established blow out of proportion (v phr): to make more than is reasonable, to exaggerate notion (n): an inclusive general concept, a theory or belief held by a person or group disparage (v): to lower in rank or reputation, to degrade; to depreciate by indirect means pragmatic (adj): relating to matters of fact or practical affairs, practical as opposed to idealistic wield (v): to handle especially effectively snobbism (n): act of imitating, admiring, or seeking association with those regarded as superior gesture (n): something said or done by way of formality or courtesy, as a symbol or token literally (adv): in a manner adhering to the ordinary or primary meaning of a term or expression, actually figurative (adj): expressing one thing in terms normally meaning another which may be considered same colloquial (adj): of or relating to conversation, conversational T-V distinction (n phr): characteristic of having informal (tu) and formal (vos) versions of second person evolve (v): to expand by a process of growth, to develop glutton (n): one given habitually to greedy and voracious eating and drinking spinster (n): a woman who seems unlikely to marry treatise (n): a composition with a discussion of facts and principles involved and conclusions reached potential (adj): existing in possibility, capable of development into actuality perception (n): the result of attaining awareness or understanding, observation, or mental image competence (n): the state of having requisite or adequate ability or qualities idly (adv): lacking worth or basis, vain, useless drum (v): to strike or tap repeatedly pew (n): one of the benches and sometimes doors fixed in rows in a church noxious (adj): disagreeable, obnoxious pre-appointed (adj): fixed or set officially beforehand token (n): souvenir, keepsake; an outward sign or expression detriment (n): injury, damage boisterous (adj): noisily turbulent, rowdy, marked by or expressive of exuberance and high spirits gusto (n): enthusiastic and vigorous enjoyment or appreciation conversely (adv): having the opposite order, relation, or action breach (n): infraction or violation of a law, obligation, tie, or standard laid-back (adj): having a relaxed style or character stuffy (adj): narrowly inflexible in standards of conduct, self-righteous, stiffly conventional grunt (n): deep short sound characteristic of a hog accordingly (adv): in agreement or conformity, correspondingly shallow (adj): lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling taboo (adj): banned on grounds of morality or taste connote (v): to convey in addition to exact explicit meaning cutlery (n): tools for cutting and eating food deprecating (adj): playing down, belittling, disparaging stereotype (n): a standardized mental picture that is oversimplified, prejudiced, or uncritical impersonation (n): the act of assuming the character of another scatological (adj): relating to the interest in or treatment of obscene matters especially in literature cubicle (n): a small partitioned space, especially one with a desk used for work in a business office protocol (n): a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and precedence context (n): the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs, environment, setting compliance (n): the act or process of conforming to a desire, demand, proposal, or regimen convention (n): usage or custom especially in social matters, a rule of conduct or behavior attire (n): dress, clothes, especially splendid or decorative clothing install (v): to establish in an indicated place, condition, or status preferential (adj): the state of being liked better or best culinary (adj): of or relating to the kitchen or cookery communal (adj): participated in, shared, or used in common by members of a group or community neologism (n): a new word, usage, or expression portmanteau (n): a word whose form and meaning are derived from blending two or more words catch-all (adj phr): something that holds or includes odds and ends or a wide variety of things phenomenon (n): an observable fact or event dynamic (adj): marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change conducive (adj): tending to promote or assist correspondence (n): communication by letters inquiry (n): a request for information intercept (v): to stop, seize, or interrupt in progress or course or before arrival conversely (adv): reversed in order, relation, or action accessible (adj): capable of being reached; capable of being understood or appreciated harvesting (v): to gather or accumulate rigorous (adj): manifesting or exercising inflexibility in opinion, temper, or judgment, very strict impale (v): to pierce with or as if with something pointed tine (n): a slender pointed projecting part, prong respectively (adv): in the order given implement (n): a device used in the performance of a task, tool, utensil institution (n): an establishment vulgar (adj): lacking in cultivation, perception, or taste, coarse; ostentatious or excessive, pretentious
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